Let’s face it. The thought of an endless summer is a beautiful thing. For those of us lucky enough to live in Chicago, it may mean taking in one of the many beaches, parks, museums, festivals, or just generally getting out in the great city under the summer sun. But alas, summer comes to an end, and whether that be for a parent or child, many experience back to school anxiety and worry. The worst-case scenarios run through our head and the “what ifs” run amuck. As parents, we may try to control as much as possible and even over prepare our child for any possible discomfort. As kids, you may lay awake at night thinking about all of your worries to the point of feeling physically ill.
To be fair, a little anxiety during a period of change is normal. Starting a new job, moving, a new relationship, and going back to school generally include some levels of excitement and worry. Needless to say, as parents, we are not immune to anxiety, and when it comes to our kids, we may over protect them from discomfort, which may inadvertently lead to more anxiety.
So, what can a parent do to better support their child who is experiencing school anxiety?
- Listen. Don’t jump to reassurance every time. Acknowledge that their experience seems challenging while also modeling problem solving and critical thinking skills.
- Give credit where credit is due. When your uses problem solving skills or flexibility to deal with an anxiety provoking situation give them some credit. This will also make it easier to point out in the future when you are helping them to examine the evidence with their idea that they can’t handle a certain anxiety provoking situation. “Hey, remember when you did ______ and got through it? Who’s to say this time will be different?”
- Have a flexible morning routine. Your child may look for any reason to not go to school. This could be a minor setback as they can’t find the right clothes to being late. The anxiety wants them to give up, so that they can avoid the anxious feelings to come if they attend school. By planning ahead, you allow some flexibility in the normal morning routine while reinforcing the unexpected is normal.
- Have an evening routine. It is recommended that kids ages 6-13 get 9-11 hours of sleep and teens ages 14-17 get 8-10 hours of sleep. On top of that, some recommend that all of us turn off our screens at least 1 hour before bedtime due to its negative effects on sleep. By adjusting just those two things, you will help to set your child up for success.
- Make them go. I have seen it many times. A seemingly supportive gesture to allow their child to stay home from school due to anxiety turns into a second day, and a third day, and a fourth day, and before you know it they are attending a partial hospitalization program for school refusal. Making your expectations clear early on that school is not optional is important, but even crucial with youth who experience anxiety.
- Contact the school counselor or social worker for support. Most schools have support personnel such as counselors, social workers, or psychologists to help you and your child to deal with anxiety. Sometimes your child just knowing they have a safe place of retreat available in the building is enough to help get them back in the classroom. Contact your child’s school to find out who that person may be.
- Accept that a little discomfort is ok. As parents, we are given the task to keep our children safe. However, this becomes a little problematic in the case of anxiety because the act of avoiding that in which makes us feel anxious only strengthens the message that “this is an unsafe situation and I should avoid it to stay safe.” Every time they get through an anxiety provoking situation provides positive reinforcement that they can handle it, despite the discomfort. As difficult as it may be, once parents accept the notion that their child can handle a little discomfort, their own anxiety about their child goes down.
If you feel that your child’s anxiety and worry continues to be problematic, it may be helpful for them to meet with a therapist to help them to learn strategies to cope with these difficult thoughts and emotions. Please contact me to learn more about how I may be able to help.
Jonathan Ecker, LCSW is a therapist who treats anxiety in Oak Park, IL. Please contact Jonathanwith any questions or appointment inquiries.
